The heartache continues now that i contemplate my room, the navy carpet that i once spent a lot of effort vaccuming, the bed that spells comfort for me, the turquoise duvet that keeps me warm at night, the wooden table that holds my work, the view from the window. It has become my source of security and refuge over the months. When i think of sweeping it clean of my presence, of having some stranger take over it, i feel a lot of pain in my heart.
I feel a similar heartache when i contemplate the items i brought from back home, the thermo flask, the herbs... all the things that my mother lovingly prepared for me. It makes me miss her so. I want to call her every day, to ease this gnawing feeling in my chest, but i know she can't fork out the time to listen to me.
I want to bring everything back, even the most trivial, unused item, and keep them by my side. Because these are the little things that make up your lifestyle, that bear memories of when you bought them, who you bought tem with, and what you did with them. But i know i can't do that, my luggage won't fit them all; i have to leave something behind.
Perhaps this is what it means to grow up, to gain a lot of things dear to you, only to be torn away from them, and to learn to live with it. The grandmother on her armchair, with a history of lost items and lost acquaintences. Smiling her wrinkled smile, her pain private to her alone.
Been having this squeezing sensation in my heart lately, whenever i think about leaving Glasgow and going back to Singapore. Is it because i miss Singapore so much that i can't wait to go back, or because i know i'll miss Glasgow when i'm gone? Or perhaps it's both. I had a dream last night in which i left most of my belongings behind in Glasgow, or at least, those that mattered to me. Perhaps i'm afraid of leaving some part of myself behind, in such a faraway place, having my soul torn and divided across the globe, irrecoverable.
I feel lonely now that Audrey's having her internship, and can't talk to me all day. I feel this emptiness in me when she's gone to work or asleep.
Was talking to Aud about how we might not know if something happened to us or our friends. For instance, if i died, would my friends know about it? Would my family, who don't know who my friends are, tell them about it? Thinking about this makes me feel lonely, in a way. It's like, no one else knows the depths of our love and concern about each other, and thus would not tell us the important things about us should we be unable to tell it ourselves.
Aud said she'll try to contact and find me should i go missing for a period of time though.
Thinking about separation makes me think of this song, which i'm currently addicted to. Heard a snippet of it on a programme featuring korean hit songs, and it was so nice that i immediately went to search for the full song.
Aud and i like the lyrics very much. The rap uses a lot of descriptions of the things that ppl do when they're missing someone. I like the idea of constantly hoping to meet the one you love by coincidence (though i would also hope for another coincidence that i'd be in my best appearance and not in my pyjamas or sth).
But we were also wondering how many people would think favourably of past loves. After all, there must be some reason why they're in the past, and thinking badly about sth makes it easier to let go and move on. What is romantic love and when would you consider something love? How do you know it's someone you love and not the others?
Such difficult questions. Maybe we'll find out as we go along in life.
Lately, have been listening to this korean band called B2ST/BEAST. Think they're really cool. Also think it's cool how their fanclub is called B2UTy/BEAUTY, and it feels like they're really appreciative of their fans whenever they refer to them as 'beauties'.
Here's my favourite song of theirs, Shock. Have been singing their chorus 'everyday i'm shocked. shocked!' every night for the past few nights, causing my dad to give me the look that says, 'what on earth are you so shocked about!?'
Here's the dance practice for the song. They dance so well!
Have been watching such videos recently in the hope of improving my brother's, as well as my church brothers' fashion sense (excuses). Think korean guys don't seem to be that different from singaporean guys in their everyday casual wear. So i guess clothes don't exactly make the man (but the woman, maybe?). Either that, or you'd have to wear them to effect or something, so the difference is probably something subtle?
After all, the difference between human beauty and non-beauty is usually only a few millimeters..?
Though i know that i lose when i get affected by others, the things people do can still get me thinking about them for whole days. What to do? Humans are social creatures, after all.
Days went by, months went by But there was no contact from you Tears fall, my heart aches No, it’s only for a moment It’s not, it’s not, it’s not Only to appease me but The space you left only gets bigger
Even if I look at you again, you’re you’re my love Look at it a hundred times, I’m I’m your love You’re my love that heaven made You only lost your way for a moment Even if I’m born again, I only hope for you Even if I love again, I only hope for you You will return, you will return Because there’s no me without you
After saying you love me Where exactly did you run off to? Leaving me (Oh oh oh oh oh) My two hands you held and also our promise How can you leave, abandoning me?
It’s a dream, it’s a dream, it’s a dream I trick myself It’s sad that I’m by myself
Even if I look at you again, you’re you’re my love Look at it a hundred times, I’m I’m your love You’re my love that heaven made You only lost your way for a moment Even if I’m born again, I only hope for you Even if I love again, I only hope for you You will return, you will return Because there’s no me without you
I thought that all this was only a nightmare I hope that I will wake up from this dream
After today passes and I open my eyes tommorow I hope that this dream is not reality, oh That all this is a hateful dream, not reality I hope, I hope for you I still want you
Even if I look at you again, you’re you’re my love Look at it a hundred times, I’m I’m your love You’re my love that heaven allowed You only lost your way for a moment Even if I’m born again, I only hope for you Even if I love again, I only hope for you You will return, you will return Because there’s no you without me
I pray every night For my misery, not my happiness That you won’t love any other than me It can’t be anyone other than you My heart only asks for you It will never change Even if I am born again, I hope for you
Even if I’m born again, I only hope for you Even if I love again, I only hope for you You will return, you will return Because There’s no me without you
So touching! The whole idea of 'no matter how i look, it has to be you' seems pretty nice. But it's probably impossible, cause eros is probably the most conditional of all loves, so a love that doesn't satisfy would most likely be given up on, and possibly be thought badly of a couple of months later.
But then again, we always think certain things are romantic when it's a good looking actor carrying it out on some fictional heroine, but when it's a real-life person doing it to us, it can be kind of... creepy...
Why do many people talk about hypocriticism like it's the worst sin of all? Yes, hypocriticism is bad, but as long as people strive towards goodness there is bound to be hypocriticism. After all, humans are weak and fallible, thus consistency in ideals is something that's impossible for us to achieve. The only way people can be totally unhypocritical, the way i see it, is to be consistently bad, and is there a point to doing that? Is being consistently bad and thus unhypocritical any more morally sound than being inconsistently good? So it's okay to persist and persist in a wrong point of view because it's hypocritical to change your mind?